January 2012
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harpsiccord asked: My Lord... I can't help but notice that in detailing the requirements of the cultists chosen to bear your, er, grand-spawn, you refrained from using gender specific pronouns. Does that mean that any of us with a strong enough constitution is fair game to be the vessel?
harpsiccord asked: It's been told that sometimes cultists mate with your starspawn to create half human, half eldritch babies. Our cult feels it is time. Have you ever seen the little abominations, and what were they like? Cute? Fussy? Is there special homage to pay to you, O Great One? The Necronomicon is silent on the subject. I think. Our translators always go mad partway through, so we need a new one...
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New Year's Resolutions
1. Become President of the US
2. Rise from R’lyeh
3. Lose ten pounds (maybe fifteen)
4. Kill everything
5. Send world into eon of darkness and insanity
6. Catch up on reading list
Seriously, I’ve had Anna Karenina on my shelf for years now.
December 2011
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The world won't end in 2012 unless I am elected...
Actually it will be in 2013 since that when I’d take office. So, the Mayans were wrong.
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Cynothoglys has no idea what she's talking about
I tried to avoid this argument all week. But it was inevitable; there’s one thing we always fight about.
Cyn said she’d stay and help me clean. Azathoth really trashed the place, but could Nyarlathotep lift a finger? Noooooo. But I digress. She brought it up first: “How’s the killing going these days? You still have the same ritual?”
I said yes, yes I did. And then she got all smug like...
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The Holidays are over
Well, it’s the end of Hanukkah. The Solstice has passed, and Christmas. Everyone is going home today. But my party was a huge success. Not looking forward to cleaning up R’leyh though.
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Anonymous asked: Some members of our cult think driving someone to suicide is an acceptable way to offer you sacrifices, citing that while it takes longer and you get fewer actual souls, they are good and tormented souls. Others of us think it's lazy, scapegoating, inefficient, and doesn't count because we're not the ones doing the actual killing. The Pro-side says it doesn't matter because...
vile-goblin-daughter asked: Three questions! One, did Erishkegal mean to get roped into being the Babylonian underworld goddess? Two, do you ever hang out with Mother Hydra and if so, what's she like? And three, what is your preferred fashion of dealing with internet trolls?
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Cthulhu does not mean to offend, yet.
A few weeks ago, one of my tumblr followers asked me what I thought about the War on Christmas. I hadn’t cared about it, until Carville called me and said that the press had gotten wind that I was celebrating the Winter Solstice and Hanukkah this year. Apparently, that’s a problem. Now I asked Carville at the beginning if he thought my stance on mass murder (it’s good) and the insignificance of...
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Winter Solstice Madness!
Literally. It was great to have the Outer Gods in R’lyeh for the Solstice, because things got crazy. First they got crazy for the thousands upon thousands of souls we consumed. Then it just degenerated. If I remember correctly, we destroyed a few small islands then had an orgy. Then we all gathered around the piano. Yig played while Cynothoglys sang parody lyrics to pop songs. Later, Castro came...
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harpsiccord asked: Concerning etiquette, oh, great Cthulhu, I'm not sure who we should be sacrificing to you. People we love, or people we hate? In theory, it would make sense to sacrifice beloved ones, but if we did that, we'd have nobody left to sacrifice. But offering you someone we are indifferent to or even dislike seems like an insult. It's quite a burden for one to consider, especially if one...
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Cthulhu never promised not to eat Deep Ones
Dagon is always on my case about this, but I refuse to budge. And of course he starts it up again while I’m cooking for all the Great Old Ones and the Outer Gods. He was looking at my menu for tonight— Sauteed Deep One and latkes— and got all upset. He said: “You can’t serve fish in a Jewish meal, it’s not kosher.” I told him that was shellfish, and you know what he did? Found a giant...
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Happy Hanukkah!
Since us Great Old Ones decided to celebrate Hanukkah this year so that we could party eight days, everyone is coming over tonight and staying until next Wednesday. Everything is all set up. I’ve got special rooms for Yog-Sothoth and Azathoth, plus a shitty one for Nyarlathotep. I’m forcing some Deep Ones to watch Shub-Niggurath’s kids so she can drink (not that it’s ever stopped her before)....
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aseverenickllanescomplex asked: Why were you trapped on Earth? And what do you think of Earth's deities?
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Guest List
So I’m hosting this years Eldritch Winter Solstice/Hanukkah Party. Planning was going smoothly, until I sat down to do the invitations. I had finished the list of Great Old Ones, when I realized that I should probably invite some Outer Gods as well. Shub-Niggurath always invites me to her baby showers, and Yog-Sothoth came to my last party in R’lyeh. So obviously I have to invite them, but...
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harpsiccord asked: I don't know about other followers, but I personally find "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" to be quite heavy on my human tongue. I can't be the only one. Does it get annoying or frustrating to hear your praises (though spoken with honest intentions) mangled, especially by first time cultists? And how about when non-cultist infants babble...
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Hosting the Solstice Party this Year
I’ve kvetched before about the Great Old Ones not seeing each other often enough, but at least one tradition hasn’t changed: the annual Solstice Party. It’s my turn to host, and no complaints there. R’lyeh looks lovely. Some of the geometry was getting a little Euclidean, but I re-terrified the angles and it’s all very Cyclopean again. I’ll be cooking for the party, of course, I’m an excellent...
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What will the Sacrifice be this year?
It’s getting closer and closer to the Solstice, and I wonder what my followers will be sacrificing to me.
On other holidays, my human worshippers sacrifice to appease the dark forces and to hasten my rise on Earth. But for the Winter Solstice they always try to sacrifice something I’ll really enjoy, in addition to the usual souls. Last year it was a panda (I was really into collecting...
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ctrlalexdelete asked: Have you seen the musical " A Shoggoth on the Roof"? If so what are your thoughts on this tribute to Your Deepness? Ia Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn!
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CURSED BE THE FOOLS THAT DARED TO STRIKE AT MIGHTY...
Fucking do-good hippie wizards tried to seal the gate of R’lyeh and trap me. They succeeded for a while, but they are insects compared to the greatest of Great Old Ones. CTHULHU’S POWER KNOWS NO BOUNDS and also I finally have my internet connection back.
Who are these pathetic mortals? IT MATTERS NOT FOR THEY HAVE ALREADY SUFFERED THE MOST AGONIZING OF DEATHS AND THEIR VERY SOULS HAVE BEEN...
eldritchlunch asked: Do the Old Ones celebrate a Christmas-like holiday?
americanfables asked: Since you've got to keep up appearances for the public and celebrate Christmas or Chanukah or whatever, I was wondering if you had any special plans? Also, how do you feel about the liberal "War on Christmas?"
harpsiccord asked: Cthulhu, there are woefully few sources of information about one of my favorite old ones, Cynothoglys. As a mortuary student, I feel drawn to her. As one who has spent time with her, could you tell me what her personality is like? Do you two have fun? What is she like?